Popsicle
by CognitionCannibal
Summary: Just a man and Mary Anne. Dog comes out of the fog. Raven found his haven.


**a u t h o r s n o t e** :

**Greetings, earthlings! I'm posting yet another one shot because I'm too fickle to keep up with a chapter story that would suffice. **

**Anyways, I'm just going to give a little bit of background information here so that you're not completely lost. Psychopomps are mythological creatures believed to guide the dead from this world to the afterlife. Some of the typical animals associated with psychopomps are dogs, ravens, owls, sparrows, crows, etc. Valkyries are the most popular form of psychopomps. **

**Also, I am writing this in the point of view of a paranoid schizophrenic. Some typical symptoms of PS are disorganized speech and thinking, hallucinations, and magical beliefs. **

**Now, read and (hopefully) enjoy. :)**

Cold; I'm very cold.

WhereamI?

Dark; it's very dark.

WhereamI?

Dark and cold. Like an African's corpse.

Idon'tknowwhereamI?

"Wake. Up-ah."

Who's that?

_That's him - Dog._

**(I want a lollipop.)**

White hair, green lips, red skin, black suit, purple eyes...

_No! That's not right, you idiot._

"Relax, Sssssonny boy. You sure are jumpy when you wake up. Like a virgin. Realizing her Daddy has found the condom wrapper."

Snickers.

Maybe he's a snake, not a dog.

_No. He's a dog._

"Commissioner, what bringsss you to my humble abode?"

**(Change that to a Popsicle. Mary Anne and I want a Popsicle. We want to share one. A red one.)**

He's talking - _talking - _in my ear. In my head_-ah. _He resides on his throne lodged like a spike in my frontal lobe. He's a dooooooog. Not a psychopath, a psychoPOMP! Easy to get those two confused - he and the raven! Not a BAT, a RAVEN! They argue a lot. Like now. About me.

Raven talks. His voice scares me. Sounds like a demon.

_A psychopomp!_

Right...psychopomp.

"Take him on. That's what we're going to do."

Where did he come from? Was he there the whole time? Is he a Shadow Demon?

_A PSYCHOPOMP, YOU IDIOT!_

Dog now.

"Now, Bats" - _raven, not bat - "_I'm offended! If you wanted-d to take him yourself, why, I'll let you. He'sss just a harmlesss, little bunny!"

**(Now, I want a carrot.)**

_I want the Popsicle._

Right...Popsicle.

"And I've taken enough of those to spare one...to you."

Silence.

**(I **_**really**_** want a carrot, but don't tell.)**

"Think of it as a present-ah. Of my affections!"

A funny noise from Dog. Shrill, like a pretty girl's scream. It's making my ears bleed! AAAAHHHH! MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT -

_SHUT UP! I can't hear what they're saying about us..._

"You're coming, too. To Arkham."

Raven speaks again. Simply, like me.

**(I had my Popsicle all along, Mary Anne, but Dog's fiery breath made it melt all over my ears. It tastes like iron. Popsicle released a new iron flavor?)**

What's Arkham? Is that where they're taking me? Is that heaven? Does "Arkham" mean "heaven" in their language? What language do they speak?

_Russian, stupid. ALL psychopomps speak Russian. Everyone knows that._

Right...Russian.

Okay, Mary Anne.

"Let'sss go together-ah!"

Dog's voice is huskier now. Scarier. I hear him lick his lips.

**(I'm licking Popsicle juice off of my finger.)**

Are we all going? To heaven? That sounds nice.

_Very nice._

Yes, Mary Anne.

Boom. Bang. Bam.

Onomatopoeias make themselves known. Raven and Dog are fighting...together. Hand in hand. Against the dark forces trying to keep us from heaven.

_Arkham._

Right...Arkham.

They pick us up.

We're going to heaven, Mary Anne!

_ARKHAM!_

**(My melted Popsicle is dripping off of my ears and fingers and hair. Must have been a HUGE Popsicle. And thick, too. Maybe they put in more saccharine. That's what made it thicker. And darker, too. I want a cold one. Dog will get me one in heaven.)**

_ARKHAM!_

**(Maybe that'll be my reward from God!)**

We must be entering the spiritual realm. I hear angry, shrill noises: demon war cries. Their eyes are bright red. Flashing...flashing. I don't want to look at them, Mary Anne...I don't want to...

Cold; I'm very cold.

WhereamI?

Bright; it's very bright.

WhereamI?

Bright and cold. Like a diamond-donning heiress.

Idon'tknowwhereamI?

"Hell-_o _there, Sssssonny boy."

_Dog._

**(And he's licking up my melted Popsicle.)**

**Thank you so much for reading! If you liked it, tell me. If you hated it, tell me. I'd love to get some feedback from you guys. :) **

**Once again, thank you!  
**


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